3/3/3: Transformers, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, and Jem and the Holograms

Welcome back to the second 3/3/3! Each 3/3/3 post will focus on three films, with three-sentence reviews for each. This one covers three films based on the properties from Hasbro: Transformers, G.I. Joe: Retaliation, and Jem and the Holograms. The reviewers are Hank412, Noah, and myself. 

TRANSFORMERS (2007), dir. Michael Bay

An adaptation of the popular children's show of the same name, Transformers is the first of the infamous action-packed franchise. Two factions of Transformers, the Autobots and the evil Decepticons, come down to earth in search of an artifact that gives them more power. 

Noah: "Despite looking like a sweaty, angsty, robo-pornographic ad campaign for the military, Transformers manages to offer some entertainment under the surface. It utilizes CGI very well and even rivals effects in some movies that come out today. It's the only watchable one in the franchise and the only one to get a few laughs out of me. 7/10. Bonus: Criminals are hot."

Hank412: "This movie transformed my brain cells into hair on my chest. The sheer manliness, magical musical score, Peter Cullen’s voice, and overall insanity do a lot to save this stumbling and collapsing picture. Come in hungry because it’ll feed you the whole plate, THE WHOLE PLATE! 6/10. Bonus: Shut up Amaris, it's not funny."

Amaris: "Transformers was fun to watch but I didn't feel emotionally invested. There were definitely cool action scenes and instances of good humor. I was impressed with the CGI! 6.5/10. Bonus: Autobots, stop, drop, and roll out."

G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013), dir. Jon M. Chu

After the majority of the G.I. Joe's die in an airstrike, the few survivors must strike back against the Cobras and uncover shady secrets within their own government.

Noah: "G.I. Joe: Retaliation's depiction of the military might go along the lines of what a 40 year old virgin who lives with his mom thinks the army is like but that doesn't stop it from being a load of fun. With ridiculous incomprehensible action scenes and a delightfully hammy performance from Jonathan Pryce as the president, this film becomes the perfect crap movie. This one goes next to my copies of Batman Forever and Swordfish as one of the best stupidest action movies ever made. 7.2/10."

Hank412: "This film is bathed in idiocy and stupidity and is a masterpiece of ridiculousness because of it. With some admittedly entertaining set pieces, the movie is littered with too much poor editing for most of them to even be comprehensible. The story is two stories going on at once with barely any connection or logic, but if there was any logic, it wouldn’t be so amazing. 4/10."

Amaris: "It's funny to watch if you want to laugh about it with friends. There are some good action scenes, but I was more invested in the villains because they were more interesting. There are some lines that are slightly funny and others that fail to meet the mark. 4.5/10."

Jem and the Holograms (2015) dir. Jon M. Chu

Four sisters and friends bond over their passion of music. After footage of one of the girls, Jerrica, is uploaded, a talent agency offers her a record deal.

Noah: "I thought we were almost done with it, then I saw we were only 20 minutes in. This movie taught me to give up on my dreams. If I could use one word to describe it would simply be: help. 2/10."

Hank412:  "Minutes in, Noah said in his most sincere voice that he didn’t think he could do this. This film is awful in almost every aspect with its entertainment value being non-existent. This film assaulted us physically, mentally, and spiritually, and left us for dead. 2/10."

Amaris: "I was in physical pain and my friends laughed at my pain. The acting wasn't good, the plot was boring and predictable, and some of the dialogue was very cringy. The scene with the poop emoji typo broke me. 2/10."

Thanks for checking out this 3/3/3! Let us know if you have any suggestions for future reviews.